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| went to bellingham for the weekend. it was so lovely. saw across the universe for the second time, and it was better than the first time. brushed my teeth in the boys' bathroom when everyone was asleep. walked to breakfast barefoot. smoked. ate a fantastic potato burrito. admired the views. tried to watch lonesome dove, but was too tired. avoided the rain. was very sad when i had to leave.
i am in love with one mark nowak. | | |
| so my last post was a long time ago. and a lot has changed since then.
mark and i had an awkward couple of days after everything i said. we got together on the 3rd, which was the one month anniversary of our first date, and it was kind of tense. i had decided ahead of time that i was going to start detaching myself from the situation, just for my own sake, so that i didn't end up getting hurt. we addressed the weirdness, and were trying to figure out what we were going to do... whether we should take a break for a little while until we could figure out a better course of action. it was very upsetting... mark was distressed and i was crying, and we were both unhappy about the way that things were playing out. this was all happening in his car outside of my house. i told him that i didn't want to waste the last two weeks that we had to spend together by spending it apart, and that was something that we could both agree on. i had asked him to stay for dinner that night, but after this conversation he asked if i wanted him to go home. i told him that i wanted him to stay, but that we both had to snap out of this dour mood that we were both in. so we both took a big breath, i wiped my tears away, we stepped out of his car, and everything was okay. and we ended up having one of the most fun nights we've ever had. i was so proud of us for deciding to be in a good mood and then doing it.
after that, everything was perfect. we had a great last two weeks together. i got my wisdom teeth pulled, and he came over every day and hung out with me even though i was strung out on vicodin and my face was swollen. we saw rilo kiley, and it was one of the greatest nights of my life. two night before i left, we had a big cryfest. but we wanted to get it out of our system so that we could have a tear-free last day together, and we did. and it was great.
so now i'm up in seattle, and he's leaving for bellingham today. i miss him, but i'm optimistic. bellingham isn't that far away, and he's promised to take the train down to seattle as soon as he can to stay with me.
i love him. he's so wonderful, truly. he's become like my best friend, and we have so much fun together, and he treats me better than anyone else i've dated has. i want this to work.
in other news, seattle is different. i'm in a small, two-bedroom apartment with four other girls, and they don't lock their doors. the first day i was here i was so depressed, but things are getting better. i think a lot of it is just a matter of getting adjusted and finding my groove. i'm getting there, i think. mia is flying in tonight, so that will make things exponentially better, i think. i'm so excited to see her. i've been so ready for school to start all summer, but now that that time is actually here, i feel incredibly overwhelmed. but as i said, i'm trying to be optimistic.
all in all, life is good. i have so much to be happy about. i have a place to live. i have food to eat. i have a little bit of money to help me get by until i find a job. i will be reunited with my best friend in mere hours. and most importantly, i am breathing love.
i started reading 'sex, drugs, and cocoa puffs' again, and its fantastic. i almost forgot how funny chuck klosterman is... but not quite. | | |
| i feel so dejected and/or depressed. relationships are such a hassle.
things have been wonderful the past couple weeks with mark. he has been such a surprise. our relationship has no perameters, we are not officially dating, but we've just been enjoying each other's company and having fun. we talked a little about what our course of action should be for when we both go back to college, and we agreed that we should just see how it goes. i know that's what is best, and i want him to be able to start college with a clean slate and not be attached to someone far away, but at the same time, i'm not ready to just let go of this. he makes me happy. i think he's amazing. i think the two of us together is something special, and i don't want to surrender it to chance. i went to coffee with marianne yesterday and was telling her all of this, and she asked if i thought i was short-changing myself. and once she said it, i felt like she was right. if i really care about him, which i do, and i want to hold on to him, which i do, is it really best for me to not tell him that? i needed to make a stand, and i did it. and what i said made him want to run, just like it does with every other boy.
it's hard to be honest, but it's harder to lie. we're in this laid-back, non-descript relationship, and i can't deny that it's fun, but it's not what i want. and i guess that just has a lot to do with age... i mean, he's eighteen years old, starting a whole new life at college in a new place, and he doesn't know who he is yet. i know who i am and i know what i want and i'm not ashamed of either of those things. but it does make things harder. it's been hard to not say anything up to this point, but now that i have, i wish i hadn't. i wish i would have just kept my mouth shut for the two weeks that we have left before i move, and just enjoyed it and let it be easy and fun. but i can't do it. i had to know where he stands so that i can plan accordingly, so that i don't let myself get trapped in an illusion and wind up getting hurt.
i won't really be surprised if i don't hear from him for a while... but i'll still cry. | | |
| i accidentally gave myself bangs.
i need to work on my scissor-skills.
i'm kind of pissed. | | |
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